Deep down I know nothing can ever be the same again.

That sting every time I wonder why you had to have her back in your life. With or without thinking. What if I didn’t have that instinct to go look at twitter.. Would you have already been reading a lot about her by now?

It wouldn’t have hurt so much if you didn’t even offer to unfollow her in the first place. Why make me feel so safe but pull the rug out from under me all of a sudden. This drama didn’t have to occur. Why even allow it..

Every single day I remind myself how precious our love is, and to not let your past affect us. But now it just lingers there like a hornet I can’t just swat at without getting stung. I don’t know how to handle this heartache at all, this betrayal. No one has ever hurt me so badly before.. Such a small thing to you but potent enough to break that trust..

I hate feeling like I’m a possessive girlfriend. And I hate you for making me have to feel this way. I wonder if I should never have let my guard down. It is always right to love no one more than myself. But it’s too late to change anything now.

I do forgive you, I will. I love you so much. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to put my whole heart back in your hands again.. They have been too careless, and I’m just so afraid now.

I really wish there is something you can do to make me feel better. But you’re not here w me. And it’s close to impossible. I can only heal on my own. And I don’t know how long it’ll take.

I’m sorry. But that image of you being so sure that you were over her, has been tarnished. I don’t know how to wipe that away from my eyes. And no amount of tears can wash away what I saw on twitter. It hurts so bad that you just want everything to tide over so easily. I wish it could too. I really do. I guess I just need time. And you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to wait for me and help to build that trust again.

You’re right, we don’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to be treated w such disregard. That reassurance just shattered like glass. And I’ve been lacquering it every single day, but just with that casual mindless stone you threw, it’s in pieces again. Please, I beg you, please show me something I can believe in again.

Putting on your watch makes me wanna cry.. But even during times like this, I can’t help but need you to give me strength. To live on, to ace my interview. I don’t wanna go back to sg anymore. I don’t want to be reminded by your past. This is my haven now. And if you really want us, please show me you’ll work towards coming to be with me. There’s nothing else I can think of that can ever make this better anymore.

Please try to understand that this is not ‘a small thing’ to me. Everything you do for or to me means something to me.. And I hope you learn to understand how I’m feeling, before demanding for me to consider how you’re feeling.. Because I don’t understand how I can hurt you more than how you’ve hurt me.

I guess you’ll always just fall asleep and leave me to drown. And after that give me one sentences as if everything is ok and I can fix it. Well, I can’t. I didn’t start this mess.. And you’re not giving me enough reason to believe you.. I can’t fix something I did not even want to spoil.. Please show me you still want me in your life. Please show me.

Every time you upset me you tell me you ‘weren’t thinking’.. Maybe it’s time you actually start thinking and considering the fact that you have a girlfriend and you shouldn’t even be hurting someone you love at all.. How can seeing her face not trigger any form of memory of why you left her or unfollowed her in the first place?? Please tell me this is a nightmare. God, please wake me up and show me this didn’t happen and I can tell my baby I had this stupid nightmare. Please..

I really thought you were over her. I really did. I hate this so much.

It’s not even about you following or unfollowing her. Who the fuck cares.

It’s about you making me believe that you’re over her. Then messing with my head again. You totally went behind my back to do it. I don’t know how to believe other wise. What better time to refollow than when I’m in NYC. How can you expect me to trust you so readily again. You’ve hurt me so thoroughly.

Did our relationship mean so little for you to let yourself do such a stupid thing to hurt us.

How could you just go and forget all we have been trying to build

Can we even last this 3 months? One week into our separation you brought her back in again. Tell me you don’t love her still.. Why choose me if you’ve always have that hope of making things right w her.. Why make me feel so inferior to her. Why am I even crying over a cheating girl that the boy I love loved so much. Isn’t this such an irony.

Why put such lethal thoughts in my head. Aren’t the sex on the beach, sex in a public toilet, giving up cheer for her, making a video for her and watching it w her while not even giving the video I made you a second look, enough for me to handle..

Why give me an assurance then take it all away with just one foolish act. Was it even worth it? WHY?? Why am I even wasting time crying about it instead of preparing for my interview? Why do you have to ruin my dream for me, for us!